This month’s full moon in Scorpio held nothing back. I foolishly felt that somehow I would pass through it unscathed. I planned my dance, felt self-assured that I would ride the wave of transformation in style and come out the other side changed, but empowered. Wrong. The universe is an eternal, benevolent teacher and it has patiently been teaching me the same lessons over & over throughout my life even though I apparently refuse to pay attention.
This month, it left me ready and waiting in my dance space for a group of women who didn’t show up, save one lone dedicated soul. I poured my heart and soul into the preparation for this event, thinking it would lift up and transform all the women who showed up to experience it, including myself, thinking that if I just had faith and didn’t fret over the Facebook clicks & counts, the people who were meant to be there would turn up. That turned out to be one lovely person and I balked. My disappointment consumed me and instead of holding space for that one, lovely person, I bailed. I bailed on myself, on her and on my mission, which was to hold space for anyone that felt compelled to dance with other beautiful women at the full moon.
I had envisioned bodies moving together in syncronicity in the half-darkness, twisting and turning through the room, freeing themselves from the narrow paths they walk the rest of the months, delighting in their own physicalilty. I felt crushed and exposed and deserted. My stupid vision didn’t manifest this month as it had with my other minimally-attended gatherings. I was mad, I was sad and I was so lonely.
My dreams that night played out the oldest of storylines – friends making plans that include everyone but me. Left out, always out of the loop, never even realizing there was a loop to be left out of in the first place. Forced intimacy with my mom – wanting to run, wanting to turtle, having no clue how to communicate with her. So scared of being alone with her that I can barely look in her direction because she is the mirror I am ashamed to acknolwedge. Having to put on a show for people, become someone else in order to be likeable, desirable and never succeeding – always being left out. Feeling so powerless at work – just a babysitter, time on a paper, trying so hard to teach with meaning and rewarded through down-sizing.
The energy drains in my life are so apparent and I just can’t seem to break free from them. Scarcity has become a place of comfort – I’m so used to just trying harder or giving more of myself in the vain hope that someone will finally just pick me to be on their team. Primary school sports really do f*ck us up for life, right? Maybe I just need to get comfortable out there on my own. Maybe I should have done the damn full moon dance as a duo and moved through what needed to be released instead of being so ready to run home and feel sorry for myself. Maybe I just need to be kinder to myself and stop measuring my success by conventional means – I did the work, I showed up (for myself???) and that’s pretty damn good.
This full moon was all about confronting the depths of my personal darkness – staring it right in the face – breathing through all my discomforts and digging deep to find grace for myself now & all those other times I felt lonely, left out, or just completely out of step with the world. I feel like the more I long for what I don’t have/think I should have, the more often the universe will force me to turn back around and practice gratitude for what I already do have. I hope I have the wisdom to learn that lesson sooner rather than later.